But Is It Really Love?

She grew up in a poor farm family, the oldest of three kids. Even before she was born, her future was not bright. Her dad, Howard, had been kicked out of his home in South Dakota by his parents when he was just 14 years old. He decided to head south to Texas, thinking he could work as a ranch hand. But the next few years were filled with bumming on freight trains, getting into trouble with the law, hanging out with dangerous criminals, and even smuggling whiskey in an old accordion during Prohibition.

Poor, but in Love

Howard eventually made it to Texas where he met Martha, a beautiful, sweet young lady who was also from a poor family.  They soon fell in love, got married, and moved into a sparsely furnished little house near Martha’s family. They could barely making ends meet, so they decided to move to the land of opportunity — California. When Martha soon got pregnant, she hoped things were looking up. Howard, however, wasn’t happy about having a baby to raise. He began drinking heavily and staying out late. Sometimes not coming home at all.

There was no “welfare” system back then. The poor stayed poor, and life was often hopeless. The state of California did not want to deal with the influx of homeless and indigent, so police officers would load them into big moving trucks and dump them over the state line so someone in the next state could deal with them.

Starting a Family

It was then that Howard and Martha decided to head back north. They moved to a small farm with a broken-down house in Illinois where they raised chickens and pigs as well as a dairy cow.  That is where Jeannette was born.

She  was a sweet innocent little girl with blonde wavy hair. She loved the farm. Even though they were poor, she was happy.  She especially loved playing with all the animals, including the barn cats that caught mice scurrying under the hay.

Being the oldest meant she had more chores than her younger sister and little brother. She had to get up before it was light so she could get all her work done before the school bus came. She fed the chickens and pigs and gathered eggs every morning. Then she had even more chores after school before she could tackle her homework.

Wanting Her Daddy’s Love

More than anything, Jeannette loved her parents and just wanted to be loved in return. She tried very hard to do everything she was supposed to. But there was nothing she could do to please her dad. His drinking made him more and more abusive. He did horrible things to his family but seemed to focus his most cruel actions on Jeannette. As a teenager, she was a striking young lady with long hair and a nice figure. For a few free drinks, her dad would let his friends bestow their intentions on her. Her innocence was stolen from her forever.

Jeannette didn’t feel pretty any more. She felt ugly, worthless, and unloved. Even the other kids at school called her horrible names and made her feel dirty. But she was determined to graduate and get far away from that life.

Finding True Love

In her senior year, Jeannette met a handsome young man named Darrell who worked as a mechanic in a town nearby. Darrell was different than all the other boys. He came from a big Christian family and showed Jeannette a kind of respect she had never known before. For the first time, she felt accepted and beautiful. They fell in love and spent all their free time together.

Darrell was drafted in the U.S. Army and would soon have to report to the base for training. The idea of being apart was agonizing for them. They were in love and wanted to get married as soon as possible. Jeannette was still only 17, so they had to wait until she turned 18. Three days after her 18^th birthday, they married.

After basic training, Darrell was going to be sent to Germany (this was during the Korean War).  With his mechanic background, he worked on trucks, tanks, and other equipment, including aircraft. Later, this lead to his career in aircraft engineering.

A Mama’s Love

Jeannette was pregnant with their first child and spent most of the pregnancy with her husband on the other side of the world. He was able to come home for a few days right after their baby boy was born. It was a wonderful time. Darrell was able to love on his young wife and baby, but too soon he had to leave them behind.

Jeannette spent all of her time taking care of her precious little baby boy. He was perfect with tiny fingers and toes that she loved to kiss. She sang lullabies and rocked him to sleep, hardly wanting to put him in his cradle. She was finally happy.

Unexpected Tragedy

Early one morning while it was still dark, Jeannette woke up with an uneasy feeling. She didn’t know why, but she sensed something was wrong. Hurrying to the baby’s bed, she found him lifeless and not breathing. She screamed and screamed, trying to wake him up. Everything was a blur. She somehow called her in-laws who lived nearby. The baby was taken to the hospital, but nothing could be done. Little Darrell Jr. died at just six weeks old. It was “crib death,” now called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS.  There is no explanation how it happens.

Jeannette blamed herself for the baby’s death. There was nothing anyone could do or say to convince her that she had not “murdered” her baby. With her husband so far away, she was inconsolable. She wanted to die, too.

A Miracle?

The pain was so great, that Jeannette ran to a nearby lake and wanted to drown herself. As she ran into the cold water, crying hysterically, she heard a man’s voice calling to her. He told her, “No, Jeannette. Don’t do it. It will be okay.” She felt someone pull her to the shore where she fell into a heap exhausted. She turned to see who had saved her, but no one was there.

Thankfully, the Army had been notified about the baby’s death, and Darrell was quickly sent home to grieve and help his distraught wife. He was able to finish his military duties at the Army base nearby.

To Love Again

A year later, Jeannette was pregnant again. She was filled with so many mixed feelings – fear, guilt, and love all at the same time. Then she gave birth to a healthy baby girl – me! About two years later, we moved to California where my sister Toni was born. We were also poor, living in a government housing project surrounded by gangs and violence. It was a struggle, but my dad was able to get his bachelor’s degree and worked for a company that had us moving around a lot.

To Love Herself — Hardest of All

With such a tough life growing up, you would think that Jeannette would have become a hardened, angry, and bitter woman. But she was just the opposite – she was kind, loving, caring and the sweetest lady you could ever meet. Sadly, her self-esteem didn’t match her actions. She always questioned her value. Even though everyone loved her, she often said, “If they knew the ‘real’ me, they wouldn’t like me.”

You see, the truth was that Jeannette still blamed herself for her baby boy’s death. She carried that guilt, even though it was unwarranted, for more than 18 years. It was that long before she finally sat down with her mother-in-law who shared with her what had really happened and how she was not to blame. Can you imagine carrying those feelings for 18 years?

Maybe you, too, have trouble accepting how valuable and loved you truly are. Here is previous post about where to find your true worth.  — https://grandma-d.com/youre-beautiful-yes-you-are/

Love Lost Again

The love of her life, Darrell, died suddenly at only 59. Jeannette was a young widow who, once again, questioned her value and existence. Thankfully, she had two daughters and four grandchildren on whom to focus her attention (and who kept her busy!)

She Never Stopped Loving

Even though she was now a “lonely” widow, Jeannette shared her beautiful heart with hundreds of people in her community and in her church family. She loved everyone — even the cashiers at the grocery store, the lonely college students who needed a home-cooked meal, and all the kids who called her “The Gum Lady” because she always had a purse-full of treats for every one of them. Many young girls came over to “Nana’s” house where she taught them to bake. But, at the same time, she taught them about their value and how much God loves them.

But, most of all, she loved her grandchildren. They came by her apartment every day after school for special treats. She helped them with their homework, listened as they shared about their day, and even took them to the nearby park to play. She was always happy to see them, and filled their lives with so much laughter, silliness and unending hugs and kisses. They never doubted how much she loved them.

Love Forgotten

It’s hard to pinpoint a time, but in about 2010 Jeannette’s own mind became her worst enemy. Alzheimer’s slowly robbed her of her life and memories.

Toni and I became her caregivers. It was so painful to watch this wonderful woman, loved by hundreds, slowly waste away into a confused, weak, helpless child.

Toni unexpectedly died in February of 2014, leaving me to care for mom on my own. It was bittersweet to sit with her every day and sing old hymns with her because music was one of the rare memories she held on to. But I sang until I was hoarse. I stroked her hair, kissed her forehead and held her like my own child. I loved her with all my strength.

Then, on October 29, 2014, she took her last breath, stepping into glory where her Lord could finally convince her that she was worth loving. She was healthy once again and reunited with the love of her life, Darrell, her precious baby boy, as well as Toni, and many other family members and friends.

Oh, I sure miss her. Every single day. I love you, Mama.